Seeking Wisdom
Better Behavior and
Interpretations
Any year that passes in which you don't destroy one of your best loved ideas is a wasted year.
Charlie Munger
Every
so often, I think about my former self, and there’s always at least one
behavior or assumption that just makes me think: “How could I have been so
stupid?”. Of course, at the same time, I
usually think that now I’ve got it mostly figured out, and I won’t have a nasty
surprise later—except that somehow, the same cycle repeats the next time. Sadly, it took me quite a few iterations to
realize that I’m pretty much always doing something stupid; I just haven’t
figured out what it is yet. Clearly, the
trick is to be self-aware enough to identify the current idiocy now rather than
waiting to figure it out later! Given that the new year is upon us, I thought
it might be helpful to review some of my own past mistakes, as it might be
helpful to others.
Interpretations
For
most of growing up and even into my early adult life, I assumed my behavior and
language would be interpreted by others in a fairly specific manner. First, I
assumed that those who did not know me would interpret me in a neutral or
slightly negative manner. For example,
if I were to say or do something rude, then these people would judge me to be a
rude person. Perhaps more subtly, if I
were to say something that could be interpreted negatively even when that
wasn’t my intention, then it would likely be interpreted in the more negative
manner. This assumption still seems to
make sense to me, as in my experience people do not tend to give the benefit of
the doubt except to those that have shown they deserve it. So this first assumption seems to be fairly
well founded at this point in my life.
For
those that were close to me, it seemed logical to give them the benefit of the
doubt and interpret them as positively as possible, and since this was my
underlying belief, I assumed they would also interpret me in the same manner. Said another way, I assumed that those I was
closest to would always interpret my behavior in the way that it was intended
rather than the neutral or negative lens I assumed for strangers. This line of thinking seemed to make sense to
me at the time, since they loved me, and shouldn’t love include interpreting
someone in the best possible manner?
Over
time, I’ve realized that while this assumption is true to some extent, it
doesn’t always hold. As usual, reality
is more nuanced—the interpretations I received depended on many factors, such
as the type of relationship, the psychological health of the people involved,
whether they were having a good day or a bad day, whether they were distracted,
or even if they were in the dreaded ‘hangry’ state. Moreover, this faulty assumption resulted in
some strange behavior on my part, in retrospect. For strangers or acquaintances, I put effort
into interactions, trying to be careful of how I said things, how my behavior might
be interpreted, and how my behavior might make them feel. For my loved ones, this effort did not seem
necessary—why waste all that energy, since they would interpret me positively
anyway? As some more extreme examples:
if my best friend came up with a business idea that I didn’t think was particularly
good, I’d say that bluntly, similar to how I would think to myself. If my dad said something I didn’t think made
sense, I’d argue until it was resolved—after all, I don’t tolerate internal
inconsistencies in myself, so why tolerate them with him?
The
results of both the assumption and the resultant behavior are probably obvious
to the reader at this point, but they were confusing for my younger self. Many times I hurt people’s feelings without
knowing why, or I would try to do something positive, only to be interpreted in
a bewildering way. As I reflect now, I’m
surprised at the extent to which this behavior was tolerated. The reality is that those I was closest to
were more affected by and more sensitive to my unfiltered behavior than the
strangers I tried to protect. Thus,
while my loved ones probably did interpret me in a more positive way, I had
reached the wrong conclusion—more care
and consideration should be taken for those you are closest to.
Being Better
On
interpretations, I believe even more that it is important to interpret loved
ones as positively as possible—presumably those that are closest have earned
that spot, and positive interpretations only make everyone’s life easier and better. With regard to behavior, I think it is
important to be kind to everyone, but doubly so for those that are closest.
On
the broader point of rooting out poor behavior, I started with a Munger quote
and finishing with his comments on destroying bad ideas seems fitting—to quote
him yet again, “I have nothing to add.”
Well I've
done so many dumb things that I'm very busy destroying bad ideas because I keep
having them. So it's hard for me to just single out one from such a multitude.
But I actually like it when I destroy a bad idea because...I think it's my duty
to destroy old ideas. I know so many people whose main problem of life, is that
the old ideas displace the entry of new ideas that are better. That is the
absolute standard outcome in life. There's an old German folk saying...'We're
too soon old and we're too late smart.' That's everybody's problem. And the reason
we're too late smart is that the stupid ideas we...already have, we can't get
rid of!...in most fields you want to get rid of your old ideas. And it's a good
habit, and it gives you a big advantage in the competitive game of life since
other people are so very bad at it. What happens is, as you spout ideas out,
what you're doing is you're pounding them in. And so you get these ideas and
then you start agitating and saying them and so forth. And of course, the
person you're really convincing is you who already had the ideas. You're just
pounding them in harder and harder…The price we pay for [not] being able to
accept a new idea is just awesomely large. Indeed a lot of people die because
they can't get new ideas through their head.