Book Review: The Slow Regard of Silent Things

The Slow Regard of Silent Things - Patrick Rothfuss

This was an odd book, but I enjoyed it.  I couldn't remember quite where it fit in the Kvothe story, but it probably doesn't matter too much.  It is about Auri, a strange girl hiding/living in the underground tunnels below the school.

Rothfuss really pulled out all the stops on vocabulary use this story, and I had to look up quite a few words.  Lots of literary gems though.  Here are some sections:

But all the world around her was still storm.  All tumbledown.  All crumble pale and ache.
You did not want things for yourself.  That made you small.  That kept you safe.  That meant you could move smoothly through the world without upsetting every applecart you came across.  And if you were careful, if you were a proper part of things, then you could help.  You mended what was cracked.  You tended to the things you found askew.  And you trusted that the world in turn would brush you up against the chance to eat.  It was the only graceful way to move.  All else was vanity and pride.
And from the author himself:
The truth is, I'm fond of Auri.  I have a special place in my heart for this strange, sweet, shattered girl.  I love her more than just a little...I know how she feels...It wasn't until I started gathering feedback that I realized how common this feeling is.  I've had person after person tell me that they empathize with Auri.  That they know where she's coming from.  I didn't expect that.  I cannot help but wonder how many of us walk through our lives, day after day, feeling slightly broken and alone, surrounded all the time by others who feel exactly the same way.

Meditation Retreat: Reflections

I got a lot out of this experience. Here are some:
1) Found a meditation posture I could sustain relatively well
2) Found a level of focus I hadn’t had before
3) A sense of peace/serenity I’ve never felt
4) Unwound a knot in my stomach I may have had for more than 10 years
5) Discovered the voice in my head was really an ok guy—I think I’m luckier than most in this regard
6) Improved body image and self-worth (although that was already in a pretty healthy condition)
7) Accepted some areas where I need to forgive myself
8) reinforced the temporary nature of thoughts and emotions
9) increased meditation toolkit
10) retreats are rewarding, but a lot of work
Links in this Series:
Arrival
Second Day
Third Day
Fourth Day
Fifth Day
Sixth Day
Seventh Day
Final Day
Reflections

Meditation Retreat: Final Day

Good morning sit. We did some talking exercises where we had body awareness in silence, while sitting; in silence, aware of a partner; in silence looking at partner; and speaking or listening. Lots of changes in the body that were interesting. I want to practice it more.

Time to blow this popsicle stand!

Links in this Series:
Arrival
Second Day
Third Day
Fourth Day
Fifth Day
Sixth Day
Seventh Day
Final Day
Reflections

Meditation Retreat: Seventh Day

Morning meditation was nice. I feel wonderful, joyful, at peace. Almost bursting at the seams. About half-way through I just stared out the window smiling. Ready to be productive and do something. Not sure if I will attend all the sessions today.
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Euphoric period faded, but serenity remained. Went for a walk in the woods, then metta, then annoying Dana/closing session for an hour. Ended the night with Dharma talk and a final sit. Only one or two sessions left in the morning, and the retreat is finished! Excited to get back to my normal life, but with improved mindfulness.

Links in this Series:
Arrival
Second Day
Third Day
Fourth Day
Fifth Day
Sixth Day
Seventh Day
Final Day
Reflections

Meditation Retreat: Sixth Day

Not much to report. Morning meditation was more distracted, but that seems to be normal. I haven’t mentioned food. Generally, it is very good—I was not expecting this level of quality. Breakfast, however, is uninspired. It consists of oatmeal and fruit. I’ve been having, instead:
3 hard boiled eggs (available at all times)
½ banana
1 orange
peanut butter
Lunches are sizeable and generally excellent. Dinner is soup and salad and tasty.
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Today was tough. I’m a little burnt out and losing concentration. Tomorrow may be better, or just may be the last day.
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Solstice ceremony was a little over the top. But it was fun. Lots of meditating in the dark and candles and protection bands, and other such stuff. Looking forward to wrapping this up.

Links in this Series:
Arrival
Second Day
Third Day
Fourth Day
Fifth Day
Sixth Day
Seventh Day
Final Day
Reflections 

Meditation Retreat: Fifth Day

Over the hump. We are supposed to keep our practice continuous throughout the day. It is extremely hard and kind of exhausting. I have not been able to do that too well, particularly in meal breaks.

I do feel more present during the breaks though. I’ve noticed:
my arm hair, in detail
the particular weave of various materials, such as the inner lining of my pants
the complete taste of arugula
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On full take-care-of-neck-pain mode. Using walking periods to put a heat-bag on and taking Ibuprofen. Five days of waiting didn’t fix it, so I’ll give this a shot. Metta meditation was very good today, and I formalized my practice (non-traditional). Rather than begin with “I” and move on to “you”, I just use “we” throughout—like a toast. I find that easier to connect with.
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By the end of the day, my practice appears to improve. I found a sense of calmness and peace today that I’m not sure I’ve ever felt. Not continuous, but often there.

Links in this Series:
Arrival
Second Day
Third Day
Fourth Day
Fifth Day
Sixth Day
Seventh Day
Final Day
Reflections 

Meditation Retreat: Fourth Day


Fought against a bubble of gas in my stomach for the morning meditation, which was difficult (and am now burping it out). Managed to sit without shifting for the whole period, however. I’ve decided to use my purgatory time for hamstring stretches, which are way too tight for my own good.
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Morning finished with some effort. Afternoon session had best meditation so far—really nice. I met with a teacher, who mostly confirmed my Dzogchen experience/practice, but indicated a great deal of concentration was necessary to sustain it, which was in-line with my feeling for it. He recommended the following teachers: Tsokny Rinpoche, Surya Das, Mingyer Rinpoche, Thokyi Nyima Rinpoche.
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Afternoon Mettas was a bust – teacher-in-training talked the whole time, essentially, so I couldn’t focus on my practice well. I was also feeling distracted. . Had a bought of loneliness/sadness in the evening which I worked through. Neck is still bother me, which is irksome, working through that as well.
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Half-way through. Somehow feels more daunting than when I started. This too will pass.

Links in this Series:
Arrival
Second Day
Third Day
Fourth Day
Fifth Day
Sixth Day
Seventh Day
Final Day
Reflections

Meditation Retreat: Third Day

Apparently, people like to write cheesy meditation poems. Here’s mine:
Sitting on the pot,
Where’s my phone? Why does this take so long?
Oh well, I’ll just sit.
Or in Haiku form:
Me, on the toilet:
Where is my phone? I’m lonely.
Oh well, I’ll just sit.
I found a perfect sitting pillow today (Samadhi block pillow) and my meditation s have felt “right”. It is very nice.
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I ruined my flow a bit by hiking the hills—it was very pretty, but I stressed myself out by skipping a meditation. I don’t think I’ll do that again as I also felt some guilt. I lost some of the momentum from this morning. Oh well…
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I’ve found a lot of my thoughts don’t hold even if I try today. Had a couple of thoughts about a prior relationship, but they were fleeting even when I tried to flow them. Makes it easier to focus on the breath. I’ve found breath counting to be helpful.
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I dislike the time after dinner before sitting—meditation seems like overkill, but I’m not supposed to do anything else!

Links in this Series:
Arrival
Second Day
Third Day
Fourth Day
Fifth Day
Sixth Day
Seventh Day
Final Day
Reflections 

Meditation Retreat: Second Day

My alarm was set for 6:00 AM (first meditation is at 6:30 AM), but I woke up at 5:45 and showered. Ready to go at 6:13. Still tired. Woke every two hours throughout the night.
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First sit ~45 minutes (typical length for the schedule). Trying to get used to the new pillows and having legs-falling-asleep issues. Sit felt good though. Was able to good a floor chair that someone returned which may come in handy this afternoon. Kitchen duty was relatively easy. Did some talking to get the task done (apparently, in my mind, task completion is more important than silence). Looks like some great trails to walk, although not enough time to walk as long as I want. I may skip something in the afternoons later in the week to walk alone for a good deal of time. Much more looking at clocks than I expected.
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I’ve found my meditation position! Legs still sometimes fall asleep but it works, and it feels good. Just have my night sessions to go and am feeling pretty good about everything, though settling in still. I gave myself an evening treat and finished my latest fiction novel. Managed nap after lunch, which was nice.
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Day 1 complete. Neck hurts a little. Exemplary thoughts:
considering what my response will be when someone asks about the retreat;
calculating number of people movements per minute would result if every one moves once every 15 minutes and then sampling to verify;
annoyance at loud breather
wondering why particular women do really weird walking during walking meditation – boredom? so that others look at them?
will slow walking change how I walk?
can I use walking meditation as physical therapy for my knee?
Links in this Series:
Arrival
Second Day
Third Day
Fourth Day
Fifth Day
Sixth Day
Seventh Day
Final Day
Reflections  

Meditation Retreat: Arrival


12/16 – Arrival

It is 4:20, and I have unpacked in my room, selected a seat in the meditation hall (close to the far back corner, two pillows), and have been assigned my work task (8:15 AM dish cleaning). I am to be trained on dish cleaning at 5:15 PM. Meal is at 6:00 PM (talking still allowed), and the whole shebang starts at 8:00 PM.

I’ve turned off my phone.

I think I’ll read a while until everything starts. I’m a little tired, and my neck hurts from the pillow at my host’s place. Excited to see how this goes!

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9:30 PM – Noble silence has begun. I’m fairly excited about it actually. Already feeling some shift in perspective. I imagine things will change dramatically over the next few days. Turned off my Kindle. I guess reading would be bad? escapism?

Dharma talk was somewhat annoying to me – a little touchy feely within interjections about cultural issues – not too interested. Trying not to judge though.

Wish I had gotten one of the sitting chairs – oh well! Slight knee/back pain. No Ibuprofen though…

It was raining most of the day.

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Schedule for the week:

6:00 Wake Up
6:30 Sit
7:15 Breakfast
9:00 Sit (with instructions)
10:00 Walk
10:45 Sit
11:30 Walk
12:00 Sit
12:30 Lunch
2:30 Sit
3:15 Walk
4:00 Sit (Metta)
4:45 Walk
5:30 Dinner
7:00 Sit
7:35 Dharma
8:30 Walk
9:00 Sit
9:30 Sleep

Links in this series:
Arrival
Second Day
Third Day
Fourth Day
Fifth Day
Sixth Day
Seventh Day
Final Day
Reflections

Book Review: Stress Test


I was already familiar with the Financial Crisis from various other books and sources, but Stress Test provided a perspective from an insider's/regulator's point of view, which I really appreciated.  The beginning of the book provides an overview of Tim's life, as well as his experiences with previous financial crises, such as the Mexican peso crisis, the various asian crises, and Russia.  From Tim's point of view, all of these events provided training and examples for the actions that needed to be taken when the biggest one hit in 2009.  The thesis is that overwhelming monetary and fiscal force must be used in a financial crisis in order to stop the panic of investors--that early guarantees will ultimately cost less than the damage and panic that ensues without them.  I found his points compelling.

After finishing the main points of the U.S. crisis, Tim moves on to the European crisis as well as all the negotiations over the debt ceiling.  Towards the end of the book, it becomes quite opinionated and political.  I was somewhat uncomfortable with the rhetoric, but couldn't really disagree with him either.

The ending of the book feels like he had attempted to write a conclusion over and over and just gave up and put them all in sequence.  It became extremely repetitive and tiresome.

As usual, here are some portions that I enjoyed:
In my Charlotte speech in March 2007, I had expressed concern about subprime mortgage lenders who sold all their loans and didn't face the financial consequences of default.  Some critics later blamed the crisis on this "originate-to-dsitribute" model--on lenders with limited incentives to worry about the long-term creditworthiness of borrowers because they had no "skin in the game".  This was a problem, but Countrywide had plenty of skin in the game.  It hadn't distributed enough of the risks it originated.  It was like a drug dealer who got high on his own supply.  Its main problem was not bad incentives, but bad beliefs--the widespread delusion, profitable for so long, that home prices would defy gravity indefinitely.
The Countrywide episode foreshadowed much of what came later in the crisis.  It was a bracing reminder of the limits of our ability to fix problems outside the traditional banking system--problems that could unleash shocks with the power to harm banks as well as nonbanks.  It also revealed just how dependent the entire financial system had become on fragile short-term funding arrangements, a central vulnerability in every financial crisis.
Goldman Sachs was a particular lightning rod, because Hank and the chairman of my board, Steve Friedman, had both run Goldman, while one of Hank's top aides on AIG issues, Dan Jester, and my markets chief, Bill Dudley, were former Goldman executives.  It has become an article of faith in some circles on the left and right that the AIG rescue was obviously a backdoor bailout for Goldman.  But it wasn't.  The post-crisis investigations documented that Goldman's exposure to AIG through the trades in question was basically flat.  AIG at one point owed Goldman about $14 billion, so the rescue looked like a windfall, but that was mainly part of Goldman's "matched book," where every dollar of insurance it bought from AIG was matched by a dollar it sold to another firm.  So the $14 billion simply passed through Goldman to those other firms.  And even if we hadn't stood behind AIG's side of the bargain, Goldman had protected itself against AIG's failure, too.
But again, the most powerful theory of the crisis was simple.  It started with a long mania of overconfidence, the widespread belief that house prices would not fall, that recessions would be mild, that markets would remain liquid.  The mania fueled too much borrowing, too much leverage, and too much runnable short-term financing, with too much of it happening outside the traditional banking system.  Borrowers took too many risks; creditors and investors were way too willing to finance those risks; the government failed to rein in those risks, and then was unable to act quickly or forcefully enough when the panic hit.
Today, the U.S. economy is still growing modestly.  It's strong enough to create jobs but not to quell the concern that Main Street has been left behind.  The Fed has begun to "taper" its monetary stimulus, reducing its bond-buying by $10 billion every month, and there is no additional fiscal stimulus on that horizon.  But we are getting stronger.  After several years of deleveraging, the average U.S. household is in a healthier financial position, with about 20 percent less debt relative to income.  We still have the world's most innovative, resilient, and diverse economy, and it's considerably more productive than it was before the crisis.  Our divisive and adolescent political culture is still a problem--unable to deliver any policy reforms that could help ordinary Americans, always a threat to make things worse--but most other countries face even more daunting political challenges.